Red Sox to Get New Stadium- in Tampa Bay

Let me start by saying that I have no clue how a team that is only ten years old can possibly need a new stadium, especially a team whose best year was winning 70 games. But for all of the Red Sox fans who find it cheaper to fly to Tampa Bay, pay for a hotel and tickets to see the Red Sox play the Devil Rays in Tampa than Boston, there is good news: the Devil Rays are building a state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof made of weatherproof fabric that will be pulled along cables suspended on a central mast structure that sticks straight out of the ground. The bad news is that the architect who desinged the ballpark was smoking crack, drinking vodka and shooting up when he drew up the plans.

Somehow the architect has also convinced team ownership, MLB officials, local governing bodies and even the Florida Governor himself that this is a good idea. Umm, did they see the design for this thing yet? I guess they were going for the yatch look with the way that the roof is going to be retractable. Having that nice white metal pole sticking out of the ground as the mast also looks like it will make a nice addition to the downtown skyline. I mean, really, who doesn't like a nice big white pole sticking a few hundred feet out of the ground. And when the roof is open, it looks kind of like the Leaning Tower of Tampa Bay. That could end up being a huge attraction for the large Italian population in Tampa Bay.

The new stadium will hold approximately 34,000 people, which is just about the number of Red Sox fans who travel from Boston to the stadium when the Sox are in town. And at a price tag of only $450 million it seems like a bargain compared to the new stadiums that the Yankees and Mets are building, which are both expected to top one billion apiece. Somehow the Devil Rays think they can have this thing open for the 2012 season, which is only four years away. Ownership also thinks that the facility will require no new taxes or the reallocation of existing taxes. Good luck with that one.

Here's some more bad news about the stadium: to protect the majestic views of downtown Tampa Bay and the waterfront, it won't be a true retractable roof. Instead, the roof will act more like an umbrella, allowing for an open-air stadium fell with climate control techniques that will lower temperatures in the stadium by 8-10 degrees. So when it's close to 100 degrees outside, it will be a cool, comfortable 92 inside. Do the Devil Rays really think it's a good idea to have all of those old people sitting around in 90 degree heat for three hours? I guess if you're smoking crack, drinking vodka and shooting up, this plan sounds like a great idea.