Week 1 NFL Picks

My two month vacation has ended just in time for the start of another NFL season, which kicks off this Thursday night with the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants (I just threw up a little in my mouth) taking on the Washington Redskins. The first weekend of NFL games concludes with two Monday Night Football games on Monday night (obviously).

If I had tons of money to wager, these would be my picks. And just like last year, the winning team is in CAPS.

Thursday, September 4
WASHINGTON at NY Giants
You can pencil it in right now: I won't pick the Giants to win a game all year*.

Sunday, September 7
Detroit at ATLANTA
Rookie quarterback Matt Ryan leads Atlanta to the win. Somewhere in a dark penitentiary, Michael Vick weeps.

Seattle at BUFFALO
I'm taking Buffalo here for the simple fact that I don't think Seattle is even bringing a wide receiver to the game due to injuries.

JACKSONVILLE at Tennessee
I have a feeling that Vince Young may not be the starting QB for Tennessee for very much longer. I also have a feeling that's not necessarily a bad thing.

NY Jets at MIAMI
Chad Pennington outduels Brett Favre for the win. Those are definitely words I never thought I'd write.

Kansas City at NEW ENGLAND
More to come on Friday.

TAMPA BAY at New Orleans
Tampa Bay uses its rotation of six starting QBs to knock off New Orleans.

St. Louis at PHILADELPHIA
St. Louise pretty much stunk last year. I don't see much changing this year.

Houston at PITTSBURGH
When in doubt, pick the home team.

CINCINNATI at Baltimore
Each of these teams has a 53 man roster, for a combined 106 players. Of those 106 players, 67 have criminal records. I just made that stat up but I bet you totally believed it because it's probably not too far from the truth.

CAROLINA at San Diego
Lots of people are picking San Diego as an early favorite for this year's AFC Super Bowl representative. I'd be shocked if they made the playoffs this year*.

Arizona at SAN FRANCISCO
It's never a good sign when Kurt Warner is your starting QB.

DALLAS at Cleveland
Look for Cleveland to resume its tradition of having lousy football teams this year.

Chicago at INDIANAPOLIS
I was prepared to pick whoever was playing against the Colts just because I hate them but then I figured that Jim Sorgi could probably lead the Colts to a W over Chicago even if Peyton Manning doesn't play.

Monday, September 8
MINNESOTA at Green Bay
Green Bay fans are going to find out quickly how bad Aaron Rodgers is. And yes, I said how bad because I don't think Rodgers will be able to succeed in Green Bay*.

Denver at OAKLAND
You know how when two teams meet early in the season and people say stupid things like, "Both of these teams are so good that this could be a playoff preview, folks." Yeah, this isn't one of those games.

* I reserve the right to change my mind.